Gym

Yep, I joined one.
LA Fitness to be exact.
I'm excited. It'll be my own, private time to feel better.
I feel better just thinking about it.
Happy timesss.

Also, Thursday is my final for Haslam. I'm positively terrified because he is one of the few professors I've had who actually expect me to memorize things. Nonetheless, I'm taking Modern English History with him Spring quarter. He is so interesting...

Other than that, things are well. I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow. Got my tax return, so now I have some money in savings. Still in love with Sean. I'm almost 21.

In short.. yay!

Dull my senses

Original post: Fuck
fuck
angry
Fucking.
Let me out of here.
Fuck this
ffkdsa.
These are the times, right here, that
oh fucking balls
I can't even write what I'm thinking here.
Fuck.
Who the fuck am I? Why am I here?
I want to be alone.

Explanation:
I fully apologize to everyone who has had to live in close quarters to me at any point in my life. Apparently, I am an abhorrent person.
If I wasn't working at 12, I'd dive head first into the whiskey in the cupboard until I could not longer see straight. For now, I'm going to have to blast music at such a volume as to turn it into an unintelligible high-pitched whine in my ears.
I really, really fucking hate myself.
But, also,
FUCK you.
I am not him.

Depressadooo

I think that
when I think
he and I are having problems
it is really just an outward manifestation of how disappointed I am in myself.

I'm going to get my tax refund soon. What am I going to do with it, you ask?
Get this:
I will be debt free :] All $1200 of it will be gone. With some left to spare. I'm planning on buying a cake and having a par-tay.
Which brings me to my next goal:
use some of it to pay for a few months membership at a gym. Safeway gets me a kickin' rad discount on an LA Fitness membership. That will totally go down.

Here's the other thing:
I'm going to get my license by the end of April.
I guess that's not necessarily a 'definite', but it's achievable nonetheless. I actually kind of have to now, what with him going to the UW this summer. That shall be fun.

Also,
he talked me into taking an animation drawing class for Spring quarter. I really want to do it and he told me that I could. That's the first time anyone has ever told me that I could do well in animation and that it was realistic to make a living doing it. Happiness.

Overall, I shouldn't be disappointed in myself. I'm doing well in school, I'm going to be debt-free, I'm going to have a little extra spending money to join a gym and maybe get a new laptop.
I think I've been forgetting my Celexa the last few days. Eeeeewwehg.
I'm hungry :[

Road Trip

Oh man, do I have an itch to go road tripping. Sean and I talk about it off and on, but I don't think he realizes how serious I am.
The most feasible trip would be Seattle to LA and back. Since I already have done that route, perhaps we could drive specifically along the coast for this one. Or weave back and forth by hopping on I5 for a bit if we want to stop somewhere in Oregon. There has to be an interesting way to manage it. Since we can't reach the East in our crappy Pontiac we have to think of a way to spruce up our travels around our own coast. I hope those on the East Coast realize how lucky they are to be in such close proximity to interesting destinations; unless you are a nature-lover, you are bound for almost utter boredom in the West.
I'd love to drive alone HWY 1- the Pacific Coast Highway. So pretty. And I think it goes the length of California. Our only issue would be finding places to stay except for Central California, because once we're there we can stay with any of my relatives.
Gas is expensive. That's the biggest hurdle, besides me getting my license :p
Hopefully, this summer, we can manage it. I'd love to spend long car rides next to him, snacking on donuts and other cheap, unhealthy travel food :] Also, going back home is a major motivator. Mythbusters makes me ache with longing for California and sunshine.

Um, yeah. Maybe more to come as far as planning, budgeting and all that.
Cheers :D

Laaa, la la la la laaaa, heey heeey,

Ulyssessss

I need to draw more.
Ughh. I'm on page four of this term paper.
If you count having squeezed part of my last sentence over the third page barrier so that it now occupies one line at the top of the fourth page.
Onward!
Maybe I should get a Myspace? I feel like I'm just talking to myself here.
Maybe that's the point of a blog? In that case I should make this thing private. No need to air such boring content on the Internets.
Yuuup.

I am an "Independent Learner".

I had a nice little talk with Dr. Haslam on Friday.
He said I was an "independent learner" and "seemed like a bright kid". Quite the half-compliment it is, but being noticed by any teacher gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling. I am so used to feeling anonymous and invisible in college.

He also told me this:
"You work so you can go to school,
you don't go to school so you can work."
Makes sense, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

There's a sad little voice in my head that tells me sometimes that I may just be destined for eternity in Safeway. That the UW is an unrealistic dream.

I'm going to try to stop that.
I want to live in the U District and be close enough to the U Village that I can shop at that amazing Barnes and Noble. Also, I want Burgermaster to be my nastily delicious treat of choice and not have to drive for an hour to get there :p
Things are equalizing. I am happy. Still! This is wonderful. Being normal is wonderful.

Quite a good night

I was home alone because Sean was at work and Ann was at a pilot's meeting. She said I could take the Pontiac out if I became too scared. Of course, I did.

I went to Safeway, talked with Sydney for a bit. She's nice.
I went to Starbucks and spent the $5 I found in the car on a Vivanno (bad choice- ew.)
I drove around the mall parking lot a few times. Everything was closed.
I went to Burger King and sat by myself in the parking lot, eating a spicy chicken burger from the value menu.
I listened to the radio. They played a lot of good songs I actually have never heard before (imagine my astonishment :p)
It was raining a bit, so I had to give the windshield wipers a go every once in a while. Nice and quiet.


I love Sean. I love kissing him and I love his half-beard. I love private chicken sandwiches in parking lots on a Sunday night. I love the face mask that I have on that is slowly turning into crust. I love having Mythbusters on tv. I love my parents and I love Alex. I love Celexa and what stability even having it brings to my mind. I love how gaining weight has given me utterly fantastic boobs; they make up for my chubby arms when I wear a tanktop.
Maybe this is what they mean by "remember these times"?
I'm not sure.
Just take some time to be alone. You will think better.

There's one thing you should know:

I know that you're not supposed to feel the Celexa (anti-depressants) until two weeks in, so this happiness is probably just a sugar-pill effect.
However,
I am happy :] I really am.
I'm making more money.
I love him.
I am doing well in school.


Also, my butt hurts because I've sat in this computer chair for about 3 hours. Not even close to being done with this History term paper. Oh well. Also, that last blog was the product of sitting in the same computer chair for 6 hours working on the same paper. I went a little crazy lol.
For Valentine's Day, we are planning on seeing the Lucy exhibit and then eating dinner. What a nerdy date, eh?

Oh, and about that "Dream" blog: I decided that with my last batch of student loan money I'm going to buy a Nikon D40. What a sexy camera :B Let's see if I can revive my photography skillz.

I wish more went on in my life though. I always feel like these never really amount to anything.

Oh well.

Happy early V-Day:
I've got emotion
dripping out my pores
and I thought I would let you know
You are the night light ripping through my wicked world
How you make it sparkle and glow
Before I lose control
There's just one thing you should know:

This is for real
This time I mean it
I'm coming clean
Please don't let go
I said from the start
That you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it
Don't let go
Don't let go
Please don't let go

I had some nightmares
crawling at my skin and bones
I nearly did explode
You smoked the demons
gave me back my feelings
Now I am good to go
Before
my face hits the floor
There's just one thing you should know:

This is for real
This time I mean it
I'm coming clean
please don't let go
I said from the start that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you'd keep it
Don't let go
Don't let go
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

For a physical challenge, I'm notoriously bored
Intravenous delivery, electrolytes in my (my)
Everytime it's the same routine
Out with the bad, in with the clean
Before I lose all motor skills there's one thing you should know:

This is for real
This time I mean it
I'm coming clean, please don't let go
I said from the start you could take it or leave it
Please don't let go
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.

Coherence

Here's to making these things a little more accessible for the average reader.
I'm gonna try to explain myself when I feel like running to blogspot and posting "I hate myself!".
So,
I feel insufficient. I am Ned Flanders. I'm scared of people and friends and doing things. I don't feel good enough. Also, let's add Ginger the goddamn Office Manager to the list of people who have made bitchy comments to me about my weight.

What am I supposed to do with this time? I am 20 years old and I'm living with my boyfriend's mom, I have no friends and I'm slowly being crushed under the weight of my stupid, worrisome brain.
How can I be happy?
Answer: Celexa
:D

Dreams

I wonder what would happen if I ever pursued one of the things that I dream about doing well in.
Okay.. that sentence was constructed poorly.
I want to do what I dream of doing.
Maybe that would help me get out of this funk? I feel like I don't produce anything. I don't produce a good-looking physique, I don't draw, I just sit here and eat myself to death.
Instead of fantasizing about doing well and being complimented, I should gather the fortitude to actually try it.
Don't be afraid of failing.


Anyway, yeah. I'm going to buy a camera with my next student loan check and then save the rest. That's the plan now, I mean. I used to be fascinated with photography in high school. I guess it suits my creative needs as well as my ADD tendencies. I watched a documentary on Henri Cartier-Bresson this evening. I remember how much he inspired me.
I was looking up concert photography just now. A lot of websites advise contacting the publicist/the band themselves if you want to come take pictures at a show. Not big bands, lol. Just local ones that aren't too stuck up yet :p Maybe that is all it takes. A few misses will eventually lead to a hit and a photo pass. After I build up a portfolio that is.
I remember how much I wanted to do this, photography I mean. It was that one bad review of my pictures that terrified me and made me stop all together.

Yes! Okay. And I am taking anti-depressants again. Yay Jessa. Let's see if they actually help.

I can be better, right? I can do this. :]
More entries later on what kind I decide to get.

Failure

I'm just a huge goddamn failure.
Failing English.
Failing in my relationship.
I want a fucking donut.
NOW D:

President

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.


Obama.
:]

Progress

I have taken my first baby step towards adulthood.
I paid off and cancelled one of my credit cards!
Woooo.
Now I'm only about $900 in debt (as opposed to $1200)
Yay me.
I'm in a good mood now. Plus I got a bottle of Marc Anthony conditioner marked down from $9 to $3 at work, so my hair is full of shine and bounce.
Muaha.
And I get to go Zoopa it up with Britt tomorrow.
Days are getting brighter, I tells ya.

Explanation

I just feel so gross in this body. Yet I can't seem to gather the fortitude to actually diet, workout or do anything active. I just sit here, melting.
Thinking about fasting for a day or so to see if that perks me up a bit.
I don't know. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm just generally disappointed in me.

Another bad one

I feel so disgusted with myself.
I just want to lay in bed and cry today.

But I'm off to Safeway for fake smiles.
Wish me luck, Internet.

Breathe!

Haha. What an example of my super crazy, bipolar-ness. Looking at that blog last night, I'm kind of embarrassed. Oh well.

Here is a happy thing: tomorrow is my first year anniversary with Sean.
There are so many things I wish I could tell him without coming off as clingy or overbearing.
I have a hard time expressing myself though.
I love you. I still want to explore with you. I still want to see the world with you. You are an amazing, talented, intelligent, caring man and I don't know what I did to deserve you. Please, don't ever change. Please, always want to hold me and deal with me. Please, say there's another year in the works. I'm quite happy here :]

Why? [rant]

Blah. I found my boyfriend's ex's screen name on his MSN list still. That's... mildly upsetting, right? But no, here I am: silently raging in my head over various topics that this discovery entails:
She's skinnier than me.
She's prettier than me.
She likes Carl Sagan and playing video games, and I don't.
She can fast for a month and can maintain and insanely amazing body, she has so much more willpower than me.
She's smarter, she probably is more eloquent and thoughtful than I am.
I am a boor, I have no discipline.
They almost/probably did have sex. Oh God, that image wont leave my mind.
These thoughts, they buzz about my skull like bees around a hive, angry and zig-zagging. I feel like my brain is going to explode.



Why do I do this to myself?
I am depressed.
I feel like my head is a balloon loosely tied to my shoulders. It bounces violently in a slight breeze, it's hard to control; I really hate this. I hate myself. I know I need to see my doctor again but I'm embarrassed for having missed the last few appointments with him. He's there, he's waiting for me. I told him I'd call him back, but I didn't.
I need meds.
John (my doctor) suspected that I might be exhibiting bipolar tendencies. It would definitely make sense: there's a streak of it in my family. These symptoms hadn't really shown themselves until the last two or three years or so though, which interests me. Is it just the ups and downs of being in and out of relationships? My last one definitely was not normal (read: he was abusive and stole money from me) My mom characterizes me as having been "high strung" as a child. Perhaps she meant "easily upset" instead? I do not know. All I want is to rip that squishy thing out of my head and punch it.
Poor John too. All I can think of is that scene in Analyze This (anyone? no?) when I go to my appointments. Billy Crystal plays the psychotherapist and in his first scene he is listening to Molly Shannon whine and complain about her ex-husband. He stands up and screams at her, "You drama queen! He doesn't love you anymore, get over it!". There's a quick cut and it's revealed that he was just fantasizing about doing so, and gives her one of the typical canned responses I hear from John often.
This is when I really appreciate Motion City Soundtrack. I don't want to sound sappy and naiive but their music and his lyrics really touch on this struggle I'm having with myself. That's dumb, right? Or maybe Justin Pierre is just as sensitive, overreactive, artsy and long-suffering as I am? Hah. I'm not sure. There's just something so creatively beautiful to me in laying bitter, angry words over happy synth. I'm sure there's a sea of indie kids in Seattle who'd agree with me.
His lyrics are the perfect balance between being hopeful and being willingly self-abusing. He sings about medications and depression and doctor's appointments and feeling lost; they are largely self-reflective (only about 1/3 of their songs are about relationships :p) Each song is perfectly fitted to a day I have experienced in my life, down to a T. It's almost unsettling.
What it most likely is, though, is that I am so goddamn lonely for friends and normal relationships with people outside of the boyfriend and work that I am becoming overly connected to his words. Note: stop self-analyzing (lol).

Zufriedengeben. "To be content" in German. If it wasn't so damn long I'd get it tattooed on the palm of my stupid hand. Note to self: consider tattoo options.

Anyway, besides that, here's my life as it stands presently:
I work at Safeway. I'm a checker. It's in this crappy little mountain town, Washington State. (Also, I see her often in the store. How's that for annoying? lol). I'm making a few friends. At least people who strike up conversations with me of their own will, which is more than I can say about my last job.
I'm doing much better in school and that is wonderfully satisfying. It gives me a sense of purpose that I lacked before. I'm learning a lot from my teachers this quarter (Colonial American History, Math 75, English 101). I wish I could have had teachers of this calibur in high school; maybe I wouldn't have such an embarrassing GPA.
I'm with said boyfriend. This Thursday's our one year anniversary. Bless him for putting up with my psychotic mood swings. I've just barely held onto this. I also, however, live with his mother. That's so very embarrassing, only a few people at work know it. And now you, Internets- you know it as well D:
I'm fat. Oh man, I'm fat. 5'8" and probably 230lbs by now. I'm so disgusting. I forgot how much people discriminate against fatties. It's nothing open; it's the little side-looks, the way eyes travel down my form and up in an appraising manner, when I pass men in public places they don't regard my presence at all (when I was skinny, they'd smile at me or say "Hi"). It's horrible. A few years ago, when I was skinny, I remember trying to explain this difference in public perception to my skinny female co-workers. They all denied it. Whatever, haha.

Egh. This is a rather abrupt ending, I suppose, to my first blog. I promise they wont all be this long and self-involved.
Here I am and will be. A written account of my lightening-storm of a mind. I bounce back and forth and make no sense. I'm often angry at myself and often head-over-heels-in-love with life.