Road Trip

Oh man, do I have an itch to go road tripping. Sean and I talk about it off and on, but I don't think he realizes how serious I am.
The most feasible trip would be Seattle to LA and back. Since I already have done that route, perhaps we could drive specifically along the coast for this one. Or weave back and forth by hopping on I5 for a bit if we want to stop somewhere in Oregon. There has to be an interesting way to manage it. Since we can't reach the East in our crappy Pontiac we have to think of a way to spruce up our travels around our own coast. I hope those on the East Coast realize how lucky they are to be in such close proximity to interesting destinations; unless you are a nature-lover, you are bound for almost utter boredom in the West.
I'd love to drive alone HWY 1- the Pacific Coast Highway. So pretty. And I think it goes the length of California. Our only issue would be finding places to stay except for Central California, because once we're there we can stay with any of my relatives.
Gas is expensive. That's the biggest hurdle, besides me getting my license :p
Hopefully, this summer, we can manage it. I'd love to spend long car rides next to him, snacking on donuts and other cheap, unhealthy travel food :] Also, going back home is a major motivator. Mythbusters makes me ache with longing for California and sunshine.

Um, yeah. Maybe more to come as far as planning, budgeting and all that.
Cheers :D

Laaa, la la la la laaaa, heey heeey,

Ulyssessss

I need to draw more.
Ughh. I'm on page four of this term paper.
If you count having squeezed part of my last sentence over the third page barrier so that it now occupies one line at the top of the fourth page.
Onward!
Maybe I should get a Myspace? I feel like I'm just talking to myself here.
Maybe that's the point of a blog? In that case I should make this thing private. No need to air such boring content on the Internets.
Yuuup.

I am an "Independent Learner".

I had a nice little talk with Dr. Haslam on Friday.
He said I was an "independent learner" and "seemed like a bright kid". Quite the half-compliment it is, but being noticed by any teacher gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling. I am so used to feeling anonymous and invisible in college.

He also told me this:
"You work so you can go to school,
you don't go to school so you can work."
Makes sense, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

There's a sad little voice in my head that tells me sometimes that I may just be destined for eternity in Safeway. That the UW is an unrealistic dream.

I'm going to try to stop that.
I want to live in the U District and be close enough to the U Village that I can shop at that amazing Barnes and Noble. Also, I want Burgermaster to be my nastily delicious treat of choice and not have to drive for an hour to get there :p
Things are equalizing. I am happy. Still! This is wonderful. Being normal is wonderful.

Quite a good night

I was home alone because Sean was at work and Ann was at a pilot's meeting. She said I could take the Pontiac out if I became too scared. Of course, I did.

I went to Safeway, talked with Sydney for a bit. She's nice.
I went to Starbucks and spent the $5 I found in the car on a Vivanno (bad choice- ew.)
I drove around the mall parking lot a few times. Everything was closed.
I went to Burger King and sat by myself in the parking lot, eating a spicy chicken burger from the value menu.
I listened to the radio. They played a lot of good songs I actually have never heard before (imagine my astonishment :p)
It was raining a bit, so I had to give the windshield wipers a go every once in a while. Nice and quiet.


I love Sean. I love kissing him and I love his half-beard. I love private chicken sandwiches in parking lots on a Sunday night. I love the face mask that I have on that is slowly turning into crust. I love having Mythbusters on tv. I love my parents and I love Alex. I love Celexa and what stability even having it brings to my mind. I love how gaining weight has given me utterly fantastic boobs; they make up for my chubby arms when I wear a tanktop.
Maybe this is what they mean by "remember these times"?
I'm not sure.
Just take some time to be alone. You will think better.

There's one thing you should know:

I know that you're not supposed to feel the Celexa (anti-depressants) until two weeks in, so this happiness is probably just a sugar-pill effect.
However,
I am happy :] I really am.
I'm making more money.
I love him.
I am doing well in school.


Also, my butt hurts because I've sat in this computer chair for about 3 hours. Not even close to being done with this History term paper. Oh well. Also, that last blog was the product of sitting in the same computer chair for 6 hours working on the same paper. I went a little crazy lol.
For Valentine's Day, we are planning on seeing the Lucy exhibit and then eating dinner. What a nerdy date, eh?

Oh, and about that "Dream" blog: I decided that with my last batch of student loan money I'm going to buy a Nikon D40. What a sexy camera :B Let's see if I can revive my photography skillz.

I wish more went on in my life though. I always feel like these never really amount to anything.

Oh well.

Happy early V-Day:
I've got emotion
dripping out my pores
and I thought I would let you know
You are the night light ripping through my wicked world
How you make it sparkle and glow
Before I lose control
There's just one thing you should know:

This is for real
This time I mean it
I'm coming clean
Please don't let go
I said from the start
That you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you keep it
Don't let go
Don't let go
Please don't let go

I had some nightmares
crawling at my skin and bones
I nearly did explode
You smoked the demons
gave me back my feelings
Now I am good to go
Before
my face hits the floor
There's just one thing you should know:

This is for real
This time I mean it
I'm coming clean
please don't let go
I said from the start that you could take it or leave it
I'd prefer that you'd keep it
Don't let go
Don't let go
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real

For a physical challenge, I'm notoriously bored
Intravenous delivery, electrolytes in my (my)
Everytime it's the same routine
Out with the bad, in with the clean
Before I lose all motor skills there's one thing you should know:

This is for real
This time I mean it
I'm coming clean, please don't let go
I said from the start you could take it or leave it
Please don't let go
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.

Coherence

Here's to making these things a little more accessible for the average reader.
I'm gonna try to explain myself when I feel like running to blogspot and posting "I hate myself!".
So,
I feel insufficient. I am Ned Flanders. I'm scared of people and friends and doing things. I don't feel good enough. Also, let's add Ginger the goddamn Office Manager to the list of people who have made bitchy comments to me about my weight.

What am I supposed to do with this time? I am 20 years old and I'm living with my boyfriend's mom, I have no friends and I'm slowly being crushed under the weight of my stupid, worrisome brain.
How can I be happy?
Answer: Celexa
:D

Dreams

I wonder what would happen if I ever pursued one of the things that I dream about doing well in.
Okay.. that sentence was constructed poorly.
I want to do what I dream of doing.
Maybe that would help me get out of this funk? I feel like I don't produce anything. I don't produce a good-looking physique, I don't draw, I just sit here and eat myself to death.
Instead of fantasizing about doing well and being complimented, I should gather the fortitude to actually try it.
Don't be afraid of failing.


Anyway, yeah. I'm going to buy a camera with my next student loan check and then save the rest. That's the plan now, I mean. I used to be fascinated with photography in high school. I guess it suits my creative needs as well as my ADD tendencies. I watched a documentary on Henri Cartier-Bresson this evening. I remember how much he inspired me.
I was looking up concert photography just now. A lot of websites advise contacting the publicist/the band themselves if you want to come take pictures at a show. Not big bands, lol. Just local ones that aren't too stuck up yet :p Maybe that is all it takes. A few misses will eventually lead to a hit and a photo pass. After I build up a portfolio that is.
I remember how much I wanted to do this, photography I mean. It was that one bad review of my pictures that terrified me and made me stop all together.

Yes! Okay. And I am taking anti-depressants again. Yay Jessa. Let's see if they actually help.

I can be better, right? I can do this. :]
More entries later on what kind I decide to get.