Gym

Yep, I joined one.
LA Fitness to be exact.
I'm excited. It'll be my own, private time to feel better.
I feel better just thinking about it.
Happy timesss.

Also, Thursday is my final for Haslam. I'm positively terrified because he is one of the few professors I've had who actually expect me to memorize things. Nonetheless, I'm taking Modern English History with him Spring quarter. He is so interesting...

Other than that, things are well. I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow. Got my tax return, so now I have some money in savings. Still in love with Sean. I'm almost 21.

In short.. yay!

Dull my senses

Original post: Fuck
fuck
angry
Fucking.
Let me out of here.
Fuck this
ffkdsa.
These are the times, right here, that
oh fucking balls
I can't even write what I'm thinking here.
Fuck.
Who the fuck am I? Why am I here?
I want to be alone.

Explanation:
I fully apologize to everyone who has had to live in close quarters to me at any point in my life. Apparently, I am an abhorrent person.
If I wasn't working at 12, I'd dive head first into the whiskey in the cupboard until I could not longer see straight. For now, I'm going to have to blast music at such a volume as to turn it into an unintelligible high-pitched whine in my ears.
I really, really fucking hate myself.
But, also,
FUCK you.
I am not him.

Depressadooo

I think that
when I think
he and I are having problems
it is really just an outward manifestation of how disappointed I am in myself.

I'm going to get my tax refund soon. What am I going to do with it, you ask?
Get this:
I will be debt free :] All $1200 of it will be gone. With some left to spare. I'm planning on buying a cake and having a par-tay.
Which brings me to my next goal:
use some of it to pay for a few months membership at a gym. Safeway gets me a kickin' rad discount on an LA Fitness membership. That will totally go down.

Here's the other thing:
I'm going to get my license by the end of April.
I guess that's not necessarily a 'definite', but it's achievable nonetheless. I actually kind of have to now, what with him going to the UW this summer. That shall be fun.

Also,
he talked me into taking an animation drawing class for Spring quarter. I really want to do it and he told me that I could. That's the first time anyone has ever told me that I could do well in animation and that it was realistic to make a living doing it. Happiness.

Overall, I shouldn't be disappointed in myself. I'm doing well in school, I'm going to be debt-free, I'm going to have a little extra spending money to join a gym and maybe get a new laptop.
I think I've been forgetting my Celexa the last few days. Eeeeewwehg.
I'm hungry :[

Road Trip

Oh man, do I have an itch to go road tripping. Sean and I talk about it off and on, but I don't think he realizes how serious I am.
The most feasible trip would be Seattle to LA and back. Since I already have done that route, perhaps we could drive specifically along the coast for this one. Or weave back and forth by hopping on I5 for a bit if we want to stop somewhere in Oregon. There has to be an interesting way to manage it. Since we can't reach the East in our crappy Pontiac we have to think of a way to spruce up our travels around our own coast. I hope those on the East Coast realize how lucky they are to be in such close proximity to interesting destinations; unless you are a nature-lover, you are bound for almost utter boredom in the West.
I'd love to drive alone HWY 1- the Pacific Coast Highway. So pretty. And I think it goes the length of California. Our only issue would be finding places to stay except for Central California, because once we're there we can stay with any of my relatives.
Gas is expensive. That's the biggest hurdle, besides me getting my license :p
Hopefully, this summer, we can manage it. I'd love to spend long car rides next to him, snacking on donuts and other cheap, unhealthy travel food :] Also, going back home is a major motivator. Mythbusters makes me ache with longing for California and sunshine.

Um, yeah. Maybe more to come as far as planning, budgeting and all that.
Cheers :D

Laaa, la la la la laaaa, heey heeey,

Ulyssessss

I need to draw more.
Ughh. I'm on page four of this term paper.
If you count having squeezed part of my last sentence over the third page barrier so that it now occupies one line at the top of the fourth page.
Onward!
Maybe I should get a Myspace? I feel like I'm just talking to myself here.
Maybe that's the point of a blog? In that case I should make this thing private. No need to air such boring content on the Internets.
Yuuup.

I am an "Independent Learner".

I had a nice little talk with Dr. Haslam on Friday.
He said I was an "independent learner" and "seemed like a bright kid". Quite the half-compliment it is, but being noticed by any teacher gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling. I am so used to feeling anonymous and invisible in college.

He also told me this:
"You work so you can go to school,
you don't go to school so you can work."
Makes sense, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

There's a sad little voice in my head that tells me sometimes that I may just be destined for eternity in Safeway. That the UW is an unrealistic dream.

I'm going to try to stop that.
I want to live in the U District and be close enough to the U Village that I can shop at that amazing Barnes and Noble. Also, I want Burgermaster to be my nastily delicious treat of choice and not have to drive for an hour to get there :p
Things are equalizing. I am happy. Still! This is wonderful. Being normal is wonderful.

Quite a good night

I was home alone because Sean was at work and Ann was at a pilot's meeting. She said I could take the Pontiac out if I became too scared. Of course, I did.

I went to Safeway, talked with Sydney for a bit. She's nice.
I went to Starbucks and spent the $5 I found in the car on a Vivanno (bad choice- ew.)
I drove around the mall parking lot a few times. Everything was closed.
I went to Burger King and sat by myself in the parking lot, eating a spicy chicken burger from the value menu.
I listened to the radio. They played a lot of good songs I actually have never heard before (imagine my astonishment :p)
It was raining a bit, so I had to give the windshield wipers a go every once in a while. Nice and quiet.


I love Sean. I love kissing him and I love his half-beard. I love private chicken sandwiches in parking lots on a Sunday night. I love the face mask that I have on that is slowly turning into crust. I love having Mythbusters on tv. I love my parents and I love Alex. I love Celexa and what stability even having it brings to my mind. I love how gaining weight has given me utterly fantastic boobs; they make up for my chubby arms when I wear a tanktop.
Maybe this is what they mean by "remember these times"?
I'm not sure.
Just take some time to be alone. You will think better.